What follows a book’s publication is always a strange affair. You work for years on a project, put all your energies and hopes into it, until, finally, the book is out in the world. And then nothing happens. It’s almost three weeks since I gave birth to my latest baby, and — with the exception of a few comments from friends and family — it’s as if it didn’t exist. The book hasn’t been reviewed, not even badly. The New Yorker hasn’t reached out for an interview. Granta hasn’t requested to reprint any of my stories. No Facebook fan page has been created in my name. And so on. It’d be tempting to interpret this radio silence negatively, but I choose to view it as the natural result of being a cu*t author. What’s more: this irrelevance is part of a clearly-devised plan.
I’ll assume that since you are subscribed and reading, you aspire to a similar status. So here’s an easy 7-step plan to help you become a cu*t author yourself.
One: have more books than readers
This is essential. First, because the cu*t author is extremely prolific, but also, because if you are being read you are doing something wrong. The cu*t author publishes manically, compulsively, but the goal is volume, not reach. Aim for two to three books a year, ideally without stylistic or thematic consistency, published one after the other, so that your promotional efforts are diluted, and none of the books sells well.
Having a very messy oeuvre is a plus. Recycle material across books. Publish the same book with different titles, in different countries. Work with very small indie presses only — the kind of print-on-demand operation run from a bedroom — so that your books are more likely to go out of print when the publisher goes bust.1 Bonus points if the press folds after the ISBN starts appearing on retail and catalogue sites, but before the book is actually released.2
Self-publishing is absolutely fine, as long as your books consistently tank.
Two: alienate your peers and burn bridges
Other writers are the enemy, and you must seize every opportunity to remind them of this. Civility is complicity; camaraderie is brand management. These are things the cu*t author despises.